I begin this blog with much hesitancy. Blogging is essentially journaling in public and both of those elements, journaling and sharing, make me a little uneasy. The journaling bit because I used to be such an avid journaler, dedicating time everyday to journal; sure, many of the entries were laden with anxiety and self-loathing, such easy fodder for a young adult to write about, but I was consistent. And the journaling cleared my head, helped me get on with the day. So perhaps that’s why my head never feels quite clear these days; I’ve too many worries, realistic and silly both, and ideas that aren’t being stored somewhere. It’s akin to allowing one’s closet to go from order to chaos. Where do I begin to sort through all the sweaters and pants, the memories and hopes? Writing has done that for me for so much of my life. But in the past three years, I’ve let the big changes in my life—being married, becoming a horse owner, usurp that time I once used to write, to unload. Blurg.
And as for sharing publicly…I am far too self-aware (okay, maybe insecure?) to just write with abandon about the bits of my life. I worry that I’ve nothing interesting to share, that no one will really care to read, or, worse, that those who do will find me boring, selfish, naïve, something terrible, you know. Surely many a blogger feels this way. The question becomes “Do I share my writing on a public forum because I care what others think or in spite of what others think?” What the public forum does is help us to be responsible to this duty of writing, of sharing. So in a sense the audience is necessary to keep us accountable. Yet at the same time, for me at least, the audience is a dreaded entity indeed— the worries of adolescence still haunt me as I approach 30: what will they think? Ha. But then again, whatever.
Worrying if I’m “good enough” to be part of the blogosphere is no different then the worry I feel in so many areas of my life—about work, about riding, about the future, etc. And so I am hoping that maybe this blog will help with these anxieties; in the past, journaling always gave me some confidence. It was a dialogue of self talk, really; I would vent on those pages and then sort through the emotions and put them to bed if need be. Close the book. Done. At the very least, the blog is a chance to be accountable to my own goal of writing more. I promise to post frequently, about riding, about teaching, about my miscellaneous experiences and adventures. With that said, on to do some living fit for print!
2 hours ago